forever in blue jeans

things are good. better than good. I'm pretty happy. I love my girls to bits and pieces. I can't wait to see what Z is going to grow up to be. Hopefully hilarious like her sister. I miss my family. My broken little family. But we are going to make it through Christmas and hopefully next year the pieces will start to be put back together. I'm still nursing and it's going pretty good. Z isn't the greatest eater in the world but we're making it work. She's growing so I know she's getting enough. She's just super gas-tastic. I'm praying most days. I should really take more time to read my bible but I get distracted easily. And I know that is not a good excuse but what is really?

what me worry?

so i've been trying to figure out what makes me so freaking anxious. I think it's the thought of being home alone with both girls. I've done it before and yeah I was tired but I was okay. So I don't know what my deal is. They are both really good and I'm sure I'd be fine but I think I'm just going through something in my brain and it will get resolved (soon I hope). I think my Zoloft is working a bit. I think it won't fully work for quite a few weeks but I think it is working just a tiny bit. 'cause I feel better right now. I'm not saying that won't change day to day but it's something to hold on to. I feel so blessed to have such a great support system. I believe that God is working through me to help me and draw me closer to him. I'm still nervous about what comes day to day but I feel like I'm turning the corner. God is good. He is my strength. I could not get through this with out his grace. He is faithful to me when I am not faithful to him. How wonderful...

looking upward

i can feel the prayers of my friends and family. I'm taking it one hour at a time. I have to see a psychiatrist today and i'm looking forward to that. I pray all the time and i read my bible everyday and it helps to calm me. I need the peace that only God can bring. I believe he is going to work through the medication to heal me and make me whole. I have an army of loved ones who are sending up prayer for me and i'm so thankful for them in my life. I'm trying to go for walks everyday by myself. it helps to get some fresh air and it helps to get perspective.

i went crazy. i went to the hospital and had to be sedated. i am on zoloft and lorazepam. I have to go see a psychiatrist. and I'm glad it happened... 'cause now i can start to get fixed. I don't know what is wrong with me besides having post partum depression and anxiety... but i can't cope with whatever is going on in my brain. I feel like i'm being attacked. I'm praying all the time and reading my bible. and i don't want that to be just because i'm going crazy. it's a good motivator though. I have to believe that God will deliver me from my illness because He is good and He's got the whole world in his hands. I need to be around for my girls. I have to survive. there is no other alternative. everytime i ask for help i feel a little bit better. like i'm breaking down the walls that i've built for so long. privacy walls... mostly for protection. i gotta just give that up 'cause it's not worth it. I need help and I have to not be SO prideful as to not ask for it. I need help. so help me. if you read this blog... pray for me. i need it. i can't do it on my own.

1-2-3-4-5-6 switch

i feel like i'm going crazy today. i keep calling people for help but no one can help me. they are all too far away and most of them think that I'm just overwhelmed because I had people here for so long and now I'm home all by myself with a two year old and a newborn. i screamed into a pillow but i don't really know how much that helped. i'm scared i have ppd again...
I think I just need to remember to breathe. That might help. and perhaps thinking that 'this too shall pass' will help me. I hate this feeling of hopelessness.

76 more days til I see my family.

oh happy day

I booked our flight to go to BC for Christmas... the countdown is on!!!
I'm so excited you have no idea. It's something to look forward to so it helps the days go by faster. It's nice to smile in the morning instead of cry(which is what I've done for the past two days). I've also decided to start reading my Bible again. It's strange because I've been a 'Christian' since I was little and asked Jesus into my heart but that word doesn't mean a ton to me these days. I went to Bible College and everything and I believe but I don't really practice. I mean, I don't do really bad things and I go to church almost every Sunday because my husband is the worship leader... but I've become disillusioned with Church and being a 'Christian'. I'm tired of doing things because I'm supposed to. I don't like going to Church because it's so small and there is too much attention put on me and my kids (there aren't many young couples that go there) and I feel like the church isn't how it's meant to be. I really would like to try another church but I feel like B is doing what he's supposed to be doing and he really enjoys it. But I think that they take advantage of him because they don't pay him and he does so much. That wouldn't be an issue but people have been paid for that position in the past. And he has a wife and two girls who need him. ANYWAY... I'm off topic. I just feel weird about being fake at church and I don't want to be there if my heart isn't in it. So I'm going to start reading the Bible again. I'm asking B for a half an hour or more a night to just go in my room downstairs and read and play music and last night I read a psalm and the first chapter in John. I have to start somewhere and I think that those are two good places to start. I don't want to be fake about it. It's not easy to concentrate but I'm going to try and I have faith that God will teach me something.
Today is going to be better. I got some sleep last night and I'm ready for today. Just one hour at a time... that is what will get me through.

sleep? nope.

Man. I can totally see how sleep deprivation is an effective torture technique. Seriously. It makes a person feel like they are going crazy. Between my sick two year old and my 6 week old ... I may lose my mind this week. I know lots of people have it worse so I don't want to complain TOO much. Only a little bit.
I'm not going to do anything today. Just rest. I think I keep thinking that I should do stuff while one or the other is sleeping but I really just need to let that go. It's so different with two. I don't know why I thought that one was so hard. I think that the postpartum depression and septic sacroiliac joint might have had something to do with it. It's not SO hard with two... it's just all about timing. And last night J was up coughing almost all night and Z wouldn't go to sleep til after midnight. I think I got four hours. Which isn't horrible but when it seems like it's every night it can get to me.
Anyway... I'll write more later. I just need to lay on the couch for a while.

debbie downer?

I swear I'm not a negative person (most of the time) I just love Gilda Radner and that's the name of her biography. seriously.
Having said that... I'm having a bad day. We've just had company for two months solid and the last person left and I'm a mess. I just had a baby in August and she's wonderful and beautiful and I have a two year old who is imaginative and wonderful and beautiful and I'm home alone with both of them. yikes!
My Dad just left to go home to BC and I had an awesome time with him and now I don't know what to do with myself. It's been a REALLY stressful summer. In-law issues... parent issues... having a new baby... and just dealing with the hand that has been dealt. I know it's nothing in light of all the things that are going on with other friends and loved ones but I think I'm entitled to at least one bad day, right?
Having said that... I am SO blessed. My husband is my best friend and he is the love of my life (how lucky am I to have both in one?) I have two beautiful and healthy daughters... my family is all still living.... I have a house ... a dog... a minivan... could life get any better? I suppose it could if I could just get my spiritual life on track. but that will forever be a work in progress. I am a work in progress.
Anyway... I don't really know what I want to accomplish with this 'blog' but I just thought I'd try it out. seems like the new thing to do.