Feeeeeeeeeck

I'm there again. back down to anxiety/depression land. don't know what set me off but know that I'm there and I don't want to be. Went to the doctor again today and she's put me on meds. Well... I sorta put myself on them. So pray for me to get better soon. We're leaving for camping with my parents in two days and I want to start feeling better by then. B's mom is with us all day so I don't have to be alone and so I can just take care of myself and let her take care of the kids. B promised me that I would not be alone for this so we're making arrangements to make that happen. I can't begin to tell you how utterly awful i feel. maybe that will be a new post. i'm pretty out of it right now. my eyes don't want to focus.

talking it up on the barry gibb talk show

I don't think we should have more kids. for my sanity. I'm babysitting and i had a panic attack. I really didn't think THAT would happen. I mean, this kid goes home at the end of the day. It's days like this that I feel utterly useless. note the word 'feel'. I haven't had a panic attack since last year and I gotta say.. I am not a fan. Poor Brad... if I didn't know I was going to be like this ... he sure had no clue.
I always hate saying this but... my mother in law is right. probably not a good idea to have more...

good thing we scored with the two we already have. I wouldn't trade them for the world!

it's time for a revolution... of food

So B bought me a new cook book. I don't know what that says about my cooking but I decided to thank him instead of be offended. It's Jamie's Food Revolution by Jamie Oliver. I've made four things from it! awesome. I'm supposed to teach people how to cook from it after I've done a few but I think you need to have more contact with grown-ups than I do, before you can do that.
I was thinking about how difficult it can be to make friends when you are... drumroll please... 27. It's just more difficult to find people you like when you get older. I don't like being friends with people solely based on the fact that we have reproduced. You really run out of things to talk about fairly quickly. All you talk about is your kids. I'm with my kids ALL DAY. And I love it but when I talk to adults (a rare treat) I'd like to talk about something that stimulates my brain. Finding friends is not as easy now as it was say, in college. Where you are thrown together with a bunch of people and they are close to your age and you have things in common. You can weed out the ones you don't get along with and there is bound to be someone whose company you enjoy. That's why I miss college. I had friends. plural. I have friends now but the closest ones I have don't live in this city. They either live almost an hour out of town or one or several provinces away. This makes 'hanging out' very difficult.
Anyway... I was talking about cooking, right? I like to bake better than I like cooking but I've enjoyed this cookbook. I've made; leek and potato soup, classic spaghetti, prosciutto and chicken and pancakes. B loves it. I think he loves me more based on the meals I have made him in the past few days. The kids don't seem to notice since J eats air and Z can't talk but I pretend they enjoy it. It makes me feel good.

On another front... I'm weaning Z. yesterday was our first whole day with only nursing at night. I think I'm having a harder time with it than she is. If this is our last baby then I'm glad that I made it to one year with at least one of my kids. I am awesome! sometimes.