okay okay okay

I AM OKAY!! and I have been for almost ONE YEAR!! that's really awesome and a true blessing. I started this blog to get out of my head but then I got out of my head and I totally forgot about the blog. see how that works? I've been working on my photography and I'm loving it. I have trouble being confident about it but I just tell myself that I have my own style and my own vision and that is that. It doesn't matter what everyone else is doing. I'm not everyone else.

The kids are wonderful. and wonderfully challenging. for reals, yo. Yeesh J, I've never seen a four year old have so much attitude. but I love that she's figuring out who she is. as for Z, she's got a little mind of her own and she's talking up a storm. She's also VERY tiny. She's over two and she weighs what our eldest weighed at 7 months.

anyway... I'm not sure if anyone reads this anymore but I just thought that I'd tell you that it's always something but sometimes that 'something' is good.

gloria gaynor

so... it's been over a month and i'm still visiting crazy land. I am also planning on going to BC for a long time. I need my family. I need a change of environment and I need to get better. It's not happening here so I'm off for a new adventure. The kids are coming with me but I am going to ache when B doesn't come with us. We can't afford for him to be off of work. This is the only way that no one suffers financially. If anyone in the world reads this blog... please pray for me. It's hard to keep the suicidal thoughts out of my head but I'm fighting. It sucks when you have to fight against your own brain. I don't even know how that works.

til next time...

Feeeeeeeeeck

I'm there again. back down to anxiety/depression land. don't know what set me off but know that I'm there and I don't want to be. Went to the doctor again today and she's put me on meds. Well... I sorta put myself on them. So pray for me to get better soon. We're leaving for camping with my parents in two days and I want to start feeling better by then. B's mom is with us all day so I don't have to be alone and so I can just take care of myself and let her take care of the kids. B promised me that I would not be alone for this so we're making arrangements to make that happen. I can't begin to tell you how utterly awful i feel. maybe that will be a new post. i'm pretty out of it right now. my eyes don't want to focus.

talking it up on the barry gibb talk show

I don't think we should have more kids. for my sanity. I'm babysitting and i had a panic attack. I really didn't think THAT would happen. I mean, this kid goes home at the end of the day. It's days like this that I feel utterly useless. note the word 'feel'. I haven't had a panic attack since last year and I gotta say.. I am not a fan. Poor Brad... if I didn't know I was going to be like this ... he sure had no clue.
I always hate saying this but... my mother in law is right. probably not a good idea to have more...

good thing we scored with the two we already have. I wouldn't trade them for the world!

it's time for a revolution... of food

So B bought me a new cook book. I don't know what that says about my cooking but I decided to thank him instead of be offended. It's Jamie's Food Revolution by Jamie Oliver. I've made four things from it! awesome. I'm supposed to teach people how to cook from it after I've done a few but I think you need to have more contact with grown-ups than I do, before you can do that.
I was thinking about how difficult it can be to make friends when you are... drumroll please... 27. It's just more difficult to find people you like when you get older. I don't like being friends with people solely based on the fact that we have reproduced. You really run out of things to talk about fairly quickly. All you talk about is your kids. I'm with my kids ALL DAY. And I love it but when I talk to adults (a rare treat) I'd like to talk about something that stimulates my brain. Finding friends is not as easy now as it was say, in college. Where you are thrown together with a bunch of people and they are close to your age and you have things in common. You can weed out the ones you don't get along with and there is bound to be someone whose company you enjoy. That's why I miss college. I had friends. plural. I have friends now but the closest ones I have don't live in this city. They either live almost an hour out of town or one or several provinces away. This makes 'hanging out' very difficult.
Anyway... I was talking about cooking, right? I like to bake better than I like cooking but I've enjoyed this cookbook. I've made; leek and potato soup, classic spaghetti, prosciutto and chicken and pancakes. B loves it. I think he loves me more based on the meals I have made him in the past few days. The kids don't seem to notice since J eats air and Z can't talk but I pretend they enjoy it. It makes me feel good.

On another front... I'm weaning Z. yesterday was our first whole day with only nursing at night. I think I'm having a harder time with it than she is. If this is our last baby then I'm glad that I made it to one year with at least one of my kids. I am awesome! sometimes.

argggghhhhh

I'm a pirate. Actually J is. She says "arggghhhh... I'm pirate Jovie". oh kids. So being off the meds is a little more difficult than I thought. Getting off them was suck-tastic. I felt like actual garbage for a while. And now I'm feeling all of these things that I didn't feel while I was on them. I think they are called 'emotions'. crazy, eh? yeah I know. I get a lot more frustrated WAY easier than I did before. The kids are at different stages now too. Z is crazy crawling all over the place and J likes to beat the crap out of her little sister. I really wish she would wait until Z can retaliate. Then it would be a little bit more fair. Since I'm so busy with both of them I feel like the house is going by the wayside. for reals, yo. I can't catch up on anything. I think I'll just have to accept that we are going to live in chaos for at least another year and then I can think about getting organized. Suzie Homemaker I am not. Isn't it enough that i'm supermom? B and I are a lot more testy with each other too. just over dumb stuff too. He comes home frustrated from work and then I need to make supper so I hand him the kids and we trade off trying to get stuff done but it never seems to work out so we fall into bed exhausted and we barely get to say how our day was. Praise the Lord for Wednesday nights and in-laws. maybe not seperate but together... well that is a different story. Free babysitting is a pretty beautiful thing.
My parents got remarried. weird but good. I'll write about that another day. I need to make our children clean. and send them off to bed. I really hope and pray that J doesn't decide that 5am is the right time to get up in the morning.

done like dinner

I'm done my photography class. Did I mention I was taking one? Now I'm Pro. The weather is changing. Which means that everything is brown and looks like garbage. Actually it is garbage. When the snow melts you really see how disgusting people are with their litterbug habits. Seriously, Saskatchewan is WAY behind on being green. People just don't get it. grrrrr.
the point is that everything is brown and garbagey (it might be a real word) so there is not a lot of good thing to take pictures of. I think my kids are pretty sick of me sticking a camera in their face all day so I'm giving them some time off.
The Pastor's wife at my church wants me to take pictures for the powerpoint presentations and also for her family shots. I'm pretty excited about that. I mean, I'm nervous because I'm insecure about my abilities... but the fact that someone else has a smidgen of confidence in me makes me excited. My dad, my best friend and my husband have confidence in me but they love me a lot too so I'm never sure if it's because they love me so they see it throught that filter or if it's because I'm good at it. I suppose it might be a bit of both.

i rock the mic like a vandal.
seriously... watch out Joaquin ... If I could grow a beard I could kick your ass at crazy rapping.